Baby sleeping alone

If God/nature intended a human baby to sleep alone he/it would of given the baby:
Sharp spines.
Thick warm fur.
A bad smell.
Tough skin.
A camouflaged skin.
Or a really bright warning colour working with this bright warning colour it would be poisonous if eaten.
The ability and knowledge to keep quiet i.e. not cry when left.

There are reasons now why we do not have to sleep with our baby...we do live in a much safer environment so there are no big bad wolf's out their to get our baby.
Also for some of us we like to drink or smoke or take recreational drugs...this is not what God/nature intended in the design of children sleeping with their parents.
Some of us like our personal space and need our time out from our baby.
For some there are religous reasons.
It really is a personal choice on where our baby sleeps and as long as we have made that choice and we have made it with care, listening to our selves (not what the media, friends or familyhave to say)...we have made an informed decision!
While co-sleeping may not be for everyone people need to begin to be aware that there are good things about co-sleeping.

Hello Again

I'm sure every so often something will come across me that makes me soooooo angry.
So I might as well keep this blog going.

I've been trying to review three books
Babywise and The Sleep book and Save Our Sleep
but I get so up set when flicking through the pages I find a little paragraph that goes along the lines of
How long should I leave my child to cry?
Until they stop!....
You have to teach them that crying doesn't work...
If they are teething just give them pain killer and put them back in their cot...

My God are we totally barbaric?
Know wonder we have some totally mucked up people around today!
They have been taught right from the beginning that no one cares!
And no matter what they do they will be ignored.

So are we creating kids that are becoming more attention seeking...violence, crime, theft, drugs, alcohol, teen sex, suicide, selfishness, deveant, mean, crule, depressed, quiet, unmotivated....flat and lifeless.

Yup I think there is still some anger there.
Please leave your comments
Megan

More web sites to see

Wow there is just soooo much information out there.... I feel dumb with the fact that I thought that I could just be a parent in today’s world without educating my self.
I’m still working through Pam Leo’s book. I really recommend it. She has put me on to more links/web sites with just so much mind-blowing information. Mind blowing as that is what we seem to be doing to our children today.

Get the book from Amazon...took ages to come from Whitcoulls

http://www.amazon.com/Connection-Parenting-Through-Instead-Coercion/dp/1932279172

I've also been looking at aTLC's - ALLIANCE FOR TRANSFORMINGTHE LIVES OF CHILDREN ... www.aTLC.org web site as well which is very intresting. Some good ideas/blueprints to help parents of today. I feel that it is very encouraging.

Also been taking a very quick look at Baby Matters www.babyreference.com ...not finished looking at that totaly.

I've been reading about Dr. Michael Lamport Commons and his papers about .... "Babies who are made to sleep alone or are not picked up and comforted enough may grow up susceptible to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and personality problems" excerpt Dr. Michael Commons of the Harvard Medical School, and colleagues.

Meeting a child's needs part 1

When we see parenting as the job of trying to control children's behaviour, parenting is a struggle because we cannot control children's behaviour. When we see our job as that of meeting children's needs, we enjoy our children, because we can meet children's needs.
Pam Leo.

Went I first started out as a parent I was trying to hard to fit Ara into my life...I was trying to bend her in so many different directions and she really did not want to go. Most of the time she screamed her protests.

Once I learned that we had to work together my life became so much more pleasant and I really fell in love with Ara for being her self.

Respect Part 1

The words we here so often today from the older generation go along the lines of “The children of today just show no respect to their elders”

Wouldn’t it be nice to receive respect from a person out of love rather than fear?
Wouldn’t it be nice to show some one how much you respect them because you feel that they are a really wonderful loving caring successful person.

Over the past 100-150 years, parents more often have been gaining respect from their children through fear or in short bulling. But is that really respect? How does that sit with you?

You cannot make someone like you through neglect, belittling, manipulation and control. You will have a halfhearted friend who will drop you and the first chance of meeting someone who shows them love and caring listening and understanding.

We are creating children that either need to be belittled and manipulated to feel loved or we are creating children that need to bully put down and abuse to show their love.

How mixed up are thoughts feelings?

Why do we not from the start show a child that we love them through love?
How about we start holding our children when they are hurt, listening to them when they try to talk and explain. How about we treat them, as we would like to be treated ourselves.

The respect and mana we would gain from our children, friends and family would be far greater and longer lasting.We would be remembered with love not fear.

Bring about World Peace

Holding your child when they need it is one of the most wonderful gifts we can give to our children. They feel safe, loved, wanted and respected. As parents we learn to respond to their actions and they to ours.
Attachment Parenting will give the world more Gandhi of loving strong and bonding and less Hitler a product of sever abuse violence and humiliation.
Pam Leo’s book Connection Parenting “Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, Through Love instead of Fear” helps us to understand ways to do this. The Sears family have written many books with wonderful suggestions, which we can try.

Look at James Prescott PhD Article How Culture Shapes the Developing Brain and the Future of Humanity.

http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/info/how_culture_shapes_the_developing_brain_and_the_future_of_humanity/57/1

Here is an extract from that article if you don’t want to follow the link.

Ten Principles of Mother-Infant Bonding to Change the World

The following changes are essential if this new cultural brain of the infant/child/teen is to be developed. These changes would provide for a greater comprehensive structure of cultural change for the assurance of peaceful individuals and cultures.

1. Every pregnancy is a wanted pregnancy.

2. Every pregnancy has proper nutrition and prenatal care — medical and psychological — and is free from a toxic womb of alcohol, drugs, tobacco and other toxic agents of stress.

3. Natural birthing.

4. No genital mutilation (circumcision).

5. Breastfeeding on demand for two years of age or beyond.

6. Intimate body contact — babywearing during first year (and co-sleeping for the first two years and beyond).

7. Immediate comforting is given to infants and children who are crying. No infant/child should ever be permitted to cry itself to sleep — day or night.

8. Infants and children are for hugging and should never be physically hit for any reason or humiliated.

9. Infants and children are honoured and should never be humiliated nor emotionally abused for any reason. The emerging sexuality of every child is respected.

10. Mothers must be honoured and not replaced by any institutional day care because it harms children under five years of age.

James W. Prescott, Ph.D.

Sites of intrest 1

Some more interesting sites that I’ve found last night

Dr Allan Schore http://www.allanschore.com/bookandtape.htm#

“Dr. Schore is a pioneer in integrating social, biological, psychological and psychoanalytic theory. Due to the interdisciplinary nature of his work he has published extensively in the neuroscience, psychiatry, psychoanalysis, developmental psychology, pediatric and trauma literatures and is on the editorial staff or reviewer of 18 journals including the Journal of Neuroscience, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, Attachment & Human Development, and the Journal of Analytical Psychology.”


Kindred one family one world http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/

“Articles are drawn from an internationally diverse team of writers and professionals on the front lines of their fields, exploring issues that impact our children, families and planet, ranging from education, natural birth, optimal child development, medicine, psychology, healing, spirituality, politics, relationships, family dynamics, natural parenting and global and environmental issues. We translate evidence-based material from neuroscience, genetics, biology, psychology, economics and sociology into practical and understandable framework for making the best choices possible for you and your family.”

Co Sleeping Part 1

I’ve been looking at the web site for “The University of Notre Dame Mother-Baby Behavioural Sleep Lab”

Very interesting and totally recommend a good look.

I love the questions like - Why We Never Ask “Is It Safe for Infants to Sleep Alone”. This article talks about “poor quality data to generate sweeping public health recommendations”.

I know from our own experience of having Ara in the “Family Bed” it has defiantly made a big difference to our life.
My observations of having Ara in the cot or her own bed are she is more restless and will wiggle around a lot in her sleep. Also once she was able to roll over her self she would always be sleeping on her tummy (not the best thing to prevent SIDS so we’ve been told). But while she sleeps with us she seems to sleep deeper and move less. Every so often a little hand or foot will reach out to check that we are there – in her sleep – and she settles back into a deeper sleep. Ara also spends most of her time sleeping on her back or side while in the family bed which so we’ve been told is the best.

Also the benefits of Co-sleeping on breast-feeding are great. You don’t need to get up and wake up fully to get a baby out of its cot to feed it so you feed more often. This helps to keep your milk supply up, your sleep levels up, your baby well feed in the right amounts and times and also keeps the attachment levels up as well so the baby is not so needy during the day.

Dr James McKenna from the “The University of Notre Dame Mother-Baby Behavioural Sleep Lab” talks about the history or Co-sleeping and also the reasons why it fell out of the norm.

I suppose it cuts down to...if you’re feeling pretty shaky in your relationship with your spouse that you can’t have a small child between you (one that you made) then your better off with out your baby in your bed.
If you are a strong Catholic – the church talks about starving mothers over laying their children. If you’ve been watching too many movies with romantic sex scenes you’ll never see a baby in the cot or bed in the room as well.
You’re worried about the child’s independence (check out http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/ to learn more on that angle)
Or is it germs, which are keeping you from your baby.

BUT we must be careful there are still safety issues.
Parents should not be smoking, taking drugs, heavy drinking, heavy sleepers or very obese.
Sleeping areas should not be waterbeds or couches or beds with too many pillows.

If you really cannot sleep with your baby in your bed it is recommended that you at least sleep with it in the same room.
J. McKenna PhD, J. Sears PhD, P. Leo....and many more just ask and I’ll give you more to read if you need.

Holiday with Kate

I'm feeling a kind of success.
We’ve always wanted to keep light in our gear – must be a hang over from our tramping days.
On new years we did ok but still had Dad’s car pretty full in the boot.
This time we just took a wrap...no backpack, no pushchair, no baby bath, no port-a-cot....but of course I always seem to pack too much clothing.
And it worked out really well...we just need to work on a bit of a holiday routine and we’ll be sweet.
Great thing Attachment Parenting you cut down on all the gadgets.

Another web site I like

I'm always looking for something new.

http://www.mobywrap.com/

This is a great site. Mum and I made up a wrap out of some soft ribbing. Makes a big difference with the ablity to spread out the load (sorry Ara your only a small load though). I'm still working on the backpack hold as that is the main mode of transport for Ara and I now when we go on longer walks. The front hold is great for putting the washing on the line. The down fall with the front pack is Ara's legs used to hang down in the way so we couldn't bend over. With the wrap the legs are pulled up to wrap around you so she's "sitting". I can also talk to Ara and hand her pegs so she feels like she's helping.
Holding Ara really helps as she's really intrested in everything we do.
I can see the "whats that" and the "why" stage being very long.

A thought from Dave

Parenting is like a religion. We invest so much time, thought and love into it we cannot begin to understand that there are others out there that do not and will not ever believe in the way we practice. It is very hard to change your thoughts because of the investment you have put into that belief. But we need to learn to be tolerant and understand that is not one true parenting method any more than there is one true religon.

Going down that "Cry it out" Road

I’ve been down that “cry it out” road.
What!!? I hear you say.
Yup
When Ara was about 6 months old (you could probably put it down as a growth spurt) she just started demanding more and more feeding....all through the night. It was constant. I would like to say it was every half hour but I don’t think we really stopped. People were saying that my milk was not enough that I was not producing enough which I’ve now discovered is totally untrue. But the total tiredness....I got to the point that I was shaking with exhaustion. I was angry and I was getting violent.
I REALLY needed a break.

I talked with my Plunket nurse and she gave me a little photocopy on controlled crying. I didn’t like the idea. I went to see what they could do for me at Plunket House.
It took them 1.5hrs to rock Ara off to sleep which she then only slept 45mins, there was no more help there really.
I needed help NOW!

I was also under a lot of pressure from well meaning friends and family.
“You don’t want to be rocking a 2 year old to sleep”
“It (cry-it-out) never did me any harm”
“Oh they (the baby) know.....they can manipulate you”
My confidence was at an all time low, and my brain was no better that scrambled eggs.
So there I was trying to get my poor baby to sleep in the cot, not rock her to sleep or feed her to sleep. It was just too much and it all backfired.

We brought a book called “Save Our Sleep” by Tizzie Hall.
I was so excited...I was total beside myself. When the book arrived in the mail I franticly flipped to the page with her age and routine then packed Ara off to bed. No parent help to get her off to sleep. She didn’t cry...she went to sleep.
Dave and I thought it was a miracle and when 45mins came round and she woke up, I rush down to the bedroom and patted her back to sleep. It was so simple.

Then I really read the book and found that I should not rush in and help her back to sleep...in fact even if she threw up or had a messy nappy I should still let her scream her self to sleep. She encouraged total separation from our baby. All this terrible treatment is something I would not even do in training our cat.

The funny thing is I think Tizzie recommended that I keep a diary to keep track of our success.
SUCCESS?....what about total FAILURE!

I can here a few of you say “now Megan you just didn’t stick to it...you obviously went in when you should of just let her go”
Well I’m telling you now. I did not! I wanted to make this work. I love routines as I cannot live my life with out one, I’m a total mess with out one and I really wanted one for Ara so I knew where I stood.
So I REALLY wanted to make this work and I did EVERYTHING I COULD.

In reading my diary now today I can not believe what I did to my baby...to poor Dave and to my self. I should be sent to jail for child abuse.
I worked so hard at this Save Our Sleep for a month. I can see the moment I started was the moment Ara stopped. She stopped eating properly, she stopped feeding properly. (We used to feed on demand about 3 hours apart except for at nite of course... In the book it is a four hour routine with strict times. On this routine Ara would feed for as short as 0mins or as long as 5mins), She stopped putting on weight (well of course...nothing was going in) and worst of all she stopped looking at me, wanting to be held by me or smiling............
BUT EVEN BIGGER she stopped sleeping.
She just screamed and screamed. If she did sleep, it must have been from total collapse and she would only be asleep for 10-15mins.

Everything fell apart.
Then I realised my mistake my dream for being a wonderful caring understanding observing mother had been lost...to boot I was still over tired.
After talking with Mum about another book I’d found on the net...humming and haring as I was not keen to go through more horror she brought me the book...Elizabeth Pantley’s “No Cry Sleep Solution”. I was very weary of a new book but I saw that this lady had a heart unlike the other who is only interested in a quick fix (well for some baby’s not ours).
Mum also read in Elizabeth’s book about Dr Sears and pointed me in the direction of his web site.

So in a round a bout way we made it....and discovered that I was right! My instincts were telling me the truth. The more you hold on to your baby (if that’s what your baby wants) the more you understand your baby. The faster your baby will learn...the more you will learn with it.

Ara is my darling and I would not have her any other way. I just thank my lucky stars that she was strong enough for me to find the right way.

Carrying Away with Ara

After looking on the Carrying Away website http://www.carryingaway.com.au I have once more become excited about ways of carrying Ara.

I’ve been using the Natures Sway sling for a few months now and would not do with out it. Its great when we go shopping I’ve got my hands free and I can see what Ara is doing...we can have a full on “conversation” which is really great for her learning.

When I started to try out the sling I was very disappointed, as it just didn’t seem to work. But after reading the Sears web site http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051100.asp and books I’ve realised what I was doing wrong and now it works like a dream.

Ara needs to be on the move all the times, so she hated all the fussing over her and putting her in an environment that was like a “wrap” which meant bedtime. So the idea was I just shoved her in and starting walking...and all of a sudden this was great for Ara as she got to see everything but at Mum’s level.

Now Ara is getting older and a little heavier I’ve been looking at other methods of getting round with my baby. I’m a keen bush walker and have been wanting to get back on the tracks....if even only a few of the local park walks. So I brought a length of material and cut it to size and followed the guidelines on the Carrying Away website for a backpack carry.
WOW!
We both loved it. I had it rigged up so she could see over my shoulder, as she is just interested in everything around her. We were off chasing turkeys, talking to the next-door neighbours dog, visiting the new house getting built down the road and up the steep bank through the bush on the next section to ours.It was like carrying my old school bag on a good day...lunch, togs and that’s about it.


And by the way this is my husbands web site so do check it out http://davebartlett.net

How long could you cry?

My theory is that people measure time relative to the time we have lived.
Remember how long and hot the summers were...how long school holidays were...how long a day felt. And now your older...how fast it all goes.

So 1 hour for a 30 year old would be the same as 1minute for a six month old.

Your alone for 1 hour and your 30 years old.
You can feed your self
You can keep your self warm
You have knowledge of the world around you.
You feel comfortable and safe with you surroundings.
And if you don’t you can do something about it.

Your a six month old baby and alone for 1min
You cannot feed yourself
You cannot put on or take off clothing
You have no idea about the world
Your only contact that you know is your parents
You cannot communicate any way but coo and cry in varying tones.

For a baby of six months old to cry for 18 minutes (recommended time from the book “Save our Sleep”) calculate that to get equivalent for a 30 year old and it is 18 hours.

18 HOURS OF SCREAMING YOUR LUNGS OUT!

Man these little baby’s are amazing.....I’d only do that if I thought I was going to die.

A saying from Dave

"We can share a parenting philosophy but not the method."

We are all different people with different needs and wants.
Same with our baby.
What will work for one baby maybe not another.
What will work at one time...will not at another.
Keep us guessing keep us on our toes.
There are heaps of ideas out there.
Lets share them.
But lets remember that what works for your baby may not work for mine...and vice versa.

Baby Training Part 1

Baby trainers are business people.
They want to make money.
They know how to market.
They have money to spend on flash books and big eye popping web sites.
They prey on the tired parents of this world.
They make you feel empowered with their information. You can change your baby and make it a “good baby”.

“Here....right here is that box for you to fit your baby in, just like all the others”

You are led to believe that your baby is “bad” or that is there is something wrong with it if it does not sleep through the night or that it needs to be held all the time.

Baby trainers may say that they have studied in psychology.
I bet they do.....That is what marketing is all about.
Maybe telling you a sob story to pull you in get you feeling as if they really care.
Then they will spin the same old story of how many minutes you should leave your baby to cry before you go in and comfort them.

“But it works” I hear you say

Of course it does.
We all know that if you hit someone physically or mentally long enough they will do what you want.
It doesn’t mean that they will be happy in doing it, that they like doing it.
And to boot they are scared for life.

“Oh rubbish” I hear some of you say
Ok let us look at it another way.

What adds you see on TV?
Coke, McD’s, Chips.
Do you see adds for apples, potatoes or home cooked meals?
No!
There is no money in that, as people can do that for themselves.

Who are the first people that come up in a google search?
The cold hearts of the businessperson.
They are calculating people that want to get their book out there.
You really have to look hard for some REAL advice.

Baby trainers use Fear
Fear that if you do not follow their advice that things will get worse.
They will paint a picture of your baby as abnormal if its not sleeping through the night or it is asking to be held or will not go to a stranger (a visiting friend).

There are wise baby’s out there, there are whispering baby’s and baby’s saving their sleep. So many different choices and ways to train your baby.
Leave the training to dog trainers and let us teach our babies with love and care.

What we need to do is look at books or medical information we need to look at human development studies. Please don’t line these baby trainers’ pockets with your money and your baby’s broken personality.
We need to look into our hearts....and we need to Educate Educate Educate

“Children are not liabilities they are assets”

Robert Kiyosaki – Rich Dad Poor Dad

My Start

I've been months in wanting to say and express my feelings. Sadly there are very few who wish to listen.
Back before we all became parents we had dreams of holding our babies and giving them every thing we could. We all longed for a natural birth with no doctors or any other interventions.
We were not going to put our babies down and they were going to sleep with us in our beds.
Hahaha
I can see the smiles of knowing parents now. Its hard hard work and you get so much advice till your head spins. Most of the advice has whittled us away, make us less confident in our parenting skills to the point where we starting to reach for the hundreds of books that tell us what we are doing wrong.
We have lost touch with our selves so much we have so little self-belief in our own feelings we need to turn to a complete stranger who has no love interest in our family or our child to tell us how to “run” our baby. And the baby trainers get money for it.

I have stuck with it!
I have held out!
I do not feel that I have changed my beliefs, my morals probably strengthened them through learning.
I have cried.
I even tried to let my baby cry-it-out.
Ara I am so sorry.

So here I start my blog